George Carlin quotes
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George Carlin Quotes



Quotes by George Carlin - (50 quotes)

George Carlin - From the Accidents category:

Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Activity category:

Always do whatever's next. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Aging category:

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Audience category:

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Authority category:

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Belief category:

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Complaining category:

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Danger category:

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Drunkenness category:

-misattributed...
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Failure category:

-misattributed...
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Freedom category:

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Gender category:

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Gender category:

Women like silent men; they think they're listening. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Health category:

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Humour category:

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Humour category:

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Idealism category:

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Invention category:

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Language category:

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Life category:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Light category:

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Mistakes category:

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Money category:

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Music category:

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Opposites category:

Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Opposites category:

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Optimism category:

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Patience category:

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Peace category:

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Perfection category:

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Pets category:

'Meow' means 'woof' in cat. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Problems category:

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Procrastination category:

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Procrastination category:

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Questions category:

Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Questions category:

What if there were no hypothetical questions? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Religion category:

-misattributed...
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Religion category:

Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Silence category:

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Sleep category:

People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.' (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Technology category:

Electricity is really just organized lightning. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Technology category:

-on misattributed sayings...
Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Thinking category:

Think off-center. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Time category:

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Time category:

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Universe category:

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Unknowns category:

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Words category:

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Words category:

Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing? (George Carlin)

George Carlin - From the Work category:

If work if so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? (George Carlin)